Blog Assignment 4: Improving Professional Correspondence

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department 
From: Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department 
Subject: INCORRECT PAYROLL CHECKS


Mr. Leoni,


          I have been reviewing the errors in the computer files.  Contrary to what you insinuated in our meeting, the majority of these errors were made by your clerks.  I do not feel that my people should be blamed for this.  They are correctly copying the faulty time tickets that your clerks are preparing.  You and I discussed requiring my computer operators to compare their entries with the time sheets from which your clerks are copying.  This would be very time-consuming for my people to do, and your clerks are miscopying them, so it would not be a good idea.  My people do not have the time to correct the errors made by your people, and I will not hire additional help for such work.  I recommend that you tell your clerks to review their work carefully before giving it to the computer operators.


Thank you,


Donald Pryzblo




          When I first read this email, I did not like how it was set up.  There were too many paragraphs than there should have been.  Although I did not like the setup of the email, I continued to read it, and I was able to understand it.  For the revision of the email, I moved all of the information into one large paragraph.  This way, it looked more professional and was easier to read.  Also, I took out the quotation marks that were located around the word errors in the first sentence.  The reason I took that out was because it was not professional to make a joke such as that in a professional email.  The email was written in very harsh language.  I changed a few of the sentences, so it would not sound as harsh towards Mr. T. Leoni.


          I thought the words in the email were written very well, so I did not change much of 
the wording.  After I revised a portion of the email, I hope that it was easier to read than it was how it was originally written.  Also, I hope that it looked more professional instead of a few sentences creating many paragraphs.  I changed some of the language in the email to make it sound more formal and professional.  The way it was originally written, it was not professional at all, and it was an attack on a certain person.  I hope I made the email more professional sounding since it was written about a business setting.